I never lost hope.
On Tuesday, March 10, I shared a video during my MOPS Testimony that I had never shared with anyone. When I made this list shortly before my 32nd birthday, I knew that this year would be the year I finally released it on my blog so I created #20.
In case you are new to my blog, I am “infertile,” and for many years I dwelled upon it. In 2012, we did the infertility culmination act of IVF. A year later, I documented my IVF story (Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV).
During Part IV, I mentioned:
Truth: I made one last video during this whole process, on day 21. It was the day after I got home from the hospital. I had every intention of beginning this final post with that video. I watched it last night. It was the first time I had seen it since that day. The last 15 seconds of the video brought back so many emotions. I start to cry. I say, “But, I’m still trying to be….um, hopeful that I’m pregnant and I’m not sure if I am, but I will know next week.” I decided that for now, I’m not ready to release this video.
And here we are, about 3.25 years later. I am brave enough to share it.
But why? Why am I sharing it?
To give hope.
I Never Lost Hope
On that day when I said I was still hopeful I, of course, meant hopeful that I was pregnant.
I was not, but that same sense of hope never left. I spent several months down and confused, hurt and shattered, but I never lost hope. In fact, I gained even more hope, and I found the Lord more than I ever had before.
And when I came out on the other side – the side where I stand today – I learned was that sometimes the things in which we are most hopeful for and/or let down by are better off for never happening, like unanswered prayers.
Without a doubt, had I been pregnant, we would never have Samarah. Blood or no blood, she is the only child I have ever carried – in my dreams, in my heart.
You might not struggle with infertility, but you might have something in your own life where seeing this video will let you know that it’s all going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even 3.25 years from now, but it will be.
There is nothing fancy, cute or “photoshopped” about this video, but here you go….
ps. Tomorrow is the big day!!! I can’t even hardly contain myself. We will be doing a Red Thread Session, and I have a surprise to introduce our angel to the world!
You will heal. I will help.