You know what happens after you adopt a child? If you never have, you might not. So I’ll tell you. You completely forget that you did not make, carry that child for 9 months in your belly and then deliver the beautiful soul.
This is Us
By now, everyone and their mother’s brother’s aunt’s uncle’s sister’s cousin knows of, has seen and loves that TV show, This is Us.
I am constantly identifying with the show, mostly with Rebecca.
While I don’t relate with losing a husband (and I pray for something so devastating to never happen), I do relate to being a mom of three and adopting plus raising a child of a different race.
Firsts with Us
Today is the first day of fall (amen hallelujah). It’s also Amiya’s first Gotcha Day anniversary. For Maya’s Gotcha Day anniversary post, I thought I’d share her firsts with us.
Happy Birthday, Samarah {This is Five}
Today you’re holding up one full hand, all five fingers, to denote your new age. Happy Birthday, Samarah {This is Five}.
Adoption Isn’t For Us
We will celebrate the ‘Gotcha Day’ anniversary three times each year, and each time we do, I’ll have something to share – child specific or on adoption in general. Today I’m sharing about the four words I hear (or see written) often, “Adoption isn’t for us.”
Three years ago today, our little Samarah officially became Samarah Josephina Hoffman.
I didn’t know the angle I wanted to take for Samarah’s Gotcha Day, until Samarah made it so clear last night.
Sometimes she and I like to play the whispering game. I tell her a secret, and then she tells me a secret. Last night I started the session by whispering to her, “Samarah, tomorrow is your Gotcha Day anniversary. Tell mama what that means.”
I got nothing from her. She whispered a few random things to me, and then she was done. Until she wasn’t. She walked back to me, and told me she had one more thing.
Maybe you can be Black like me.
My mom asked me, “So what did you say?”
You guys want the truth? I just couldn’t stop laughing. Nothing gets by little Sam; nothing. And then she finished her thought,
Maybe we could just paint your skin, Mama.
Besides the fact that I just love that little girl with my whole heart, it helped reel me in for her 3-year Gotcha Day anniversary post.
Adoption Isn’t for Us
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Samarah and I are so different, and she was born to a woman I can’t relate to in the slightest.
But there is something about our connection and how much I adore her every move that’s almost biological.
I think about this so much, and I have thought about this so much, during this past year.
In case you aren’t aware, infertility is on the rise, and I meet, talk to, and even know many of the “infertile” women who have walked in my shoes.
I’m not the person to push for any decision. To each is own. If you are unable to conceive a child on your own, then the path to getting a child is miraculous in and of its own.
But sometimes when I hear – or see it written – “adoption isn’t for us; it’s just not” – I can’t help but wonder, “Why?”
There are challenges that come with it. I have stated it before, and will talk about it, openly, forever. But have you ever met a mama (or family in general) that didn’t have challenges?
Some women tell me it’s their husband. “He just doesn’t think we would love the child like our own.”
I can never be Black like Samarah (and no, we aren’t painting my face, sweet darling!) But here’s what I know:
- If I could look like my stunning children, I would.
- From the very first moment I laid eyes on Samarah, I never desired birthing my own child again.
- While there are surprises and things you don’t know/can’t possibly know about children you adopt, I’d argue that it’s the same thing for children you birth. Heck, I just learned things about my best friends this past weekend that I didn’t even know.
I always wanted to adopt, just not in the way it happened. I’ll even make it very clear that, during IVF, I’d gather I told myself over-and-over, “….because adoption isn’t for us.”
And in the end, after everything – adoption has been the very best thing Ryan and I have ever known. In 2015 I said, “adoption has changed our lives.” I believe that more than ever today, and while I maintain to never push anyone to adoption / foster-adoption, I won’t ever stop talking about how it might be the greatest blessing someone may have ever known.
And to you, Samarah Josephina Hoffman, today:
Mama can never be Black like you. There will never be another oh-so-beautiful Samarah Josephina like you, in all the world. Mama tells you it constantly, “Jesus made you that way.” And I’ll tell you every single day that same skin color or not; same blood or not, you are my little angel forever. You were the birth for an eruption deep in my soul that said “Yes, ah yes. Now I get it. Everything is totally, and magically, beautiful in its time.”
p.s. Wanna know a little secret? I’ve been feeling this strong desire to write and work on that pivotal, life-changing mantra that helped guide (and continues to guide) my life. The title: Ecclesiastes 3:11.
Xox,
SKH
8 Ways to Celebrate Gotcha Day Anniversary
I have 8 ways to celebrate Gotcha Day anniversary with Y’all today.
Why? Because 2 years ago today we celebrated our forever day with Isaiah in court, and I’m always trying to celebrate their days each year with a blog post of sorts – here, there, and everywhere.
2 years ago today, the day looked like this:
Adopting Isaiah was probably the quickest adoption the state of California had ever done. He was only with us a little over 3 months when we entered court for his Gotcha Day.
But man, those days in court are always some of the best on this Earth. I look at the picture above from that day, and I have so many thoughts. I remember it clear as glass.
8 Ways to Celebrate Gotcha Day Anniversary
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- Stories. Tell your child all about his/her story. Pull out the “first days” pictures, books, details about their special day in court (and the pictures to accompany it, if you have them), and any other information you might have.
- Celebrate their birth culture. Our children were all adopted in the United States, but many are not. And even though our children were all born in the United States, they are not Caucasian and do have different backgrounds than Ryan and I. Use the day to celebrate them – not just that they became part of your family, but where they also came from
- Build new memories. I am the mama who always has a camera nearby and pen and paper just as close because I never want to miss the best moments. But on Gotcha Day, you can make it even more intentional. Document the day, what you did, where you went, what you ate, what you talked about, and anything else so that you are able to see how the years evolve.
- Wishes-Come-True. I love this idea! Let your child pick something, anything they want to do for the day, and then make it come true. It is, of course, the play on the idea that their own Gotcha Day was a wish come true for so many people involved in their lives.
- One small gift. Each year on their Gotcha Day anniversary, get your child a small gift, one that has true meaning for the day. It could be something from their past, present, or even something for the future.
- Plant something. Plant a tree, herb, or other plant on their special day as a symbol of growing together from a single seed.
- Buy a new Christmas Ornament. This one you can do for almost anything your family tends to collect….Christmas stockings, postcards, cups/mugs, ornaments, etc. Before the kids, Ryan and I grabbed postcards and ornaments wherever we went. This would be something fun to do now with the kids each year on their Gotcha Days.
- Take a picture. And last, but certainly not least, take the best family photo you can. I realize now more than ever how hard it is to get a family photo. But on a day like today it’s so important. (Full disclosure: I won’t get home until late tonight from traveling, so we will do ours tomorrow or this weekend. But we will do it.)
Do I understand that some people don’t want to celebrate Gotcha Day and/or acknowledge it at all for one reason or another? Of course. But I’m not really here to be politically correct. For every household that does not celebrate it, there are a hundred others who do.
Isaiah made us a family of four, exactly two years ago today. For anyone out there who thinks it’s a golden-painted road from beginning to end, I’m here to tell you that it definitely is not.
And yet? Like everything else in my life (I say this with 100% conviction and tears this morning), Isaiah also hold the power of my life mantra….
I’d love to know how you celebrate the Gotcha Day anniversary? Anything special?
p.s. Getting ready to finalize your own adoption and need a Gotcha Day party idea? Check out 16 Gotcha Day Party Ideas.
Sources for ideas: Gotcha Day Celebration Ideas, Ways to Celebrate the Adoption “Gotcha Day,” 8 Creative Ways to Celebrate Adoption Besides Gotcha Day,
Xox,
SKH