By now, everyone and their mother’s brother’s aunt’s uncle’s sister’s cousin knows of, has seen and loves that TV show, This is Us.
I am constantly identifying with the show, mostly with Rebecca.
While I don’t relate with losing a husband (and I pray for something so devastating to never happen), I do relate to being a mom of three and adopting plus raising a child of a different race.
Today is the first day of fall (amen hallelujah). It’s also Amiya’s first Gotcha Day anniversary. For Maya’s Gotcha Day anniversary post, I thought I’d share her firsts with us.
[Read more…] about Firsts with Us
We will celebrate the ‘Gotcha Day’ anniversary three times each year, and each time we do, I’ll have something to share – child specific or on adoption in general. Today I’m sharing about the four words I hear (or see written) often, “Adoption isn’t for us.”
Three years ago today, our little Samarah officially became Samarah Josephina Hoffman.
I didn’t know the angle I wanted to take for Samarah’s Gotcha Day, until Samarah made it so clear last night.
Sometimes she and I like to play the whispering game. I tell her a secret, and then she tells me a secret. Last night I started the session by whispering to her, “Samarah, tomorrow is your Gotcha Day anniversary. Tell mama what that means.”
I got nothing from her. She whispered a few random things to me, and then she was done. Until she wasn’t. She walked back to me, and told me she had one more thing.
Maybe you can be Black like me.
My mom asked me, “So what did you say?”
You guys want the truth? I just couldn’t stop laughing. Nothing gets by little Sam; nothing. And then she finished her thought,
Maybe we could just paint your skin, Mama.
Besides the fact that I just love that little girl with my whole heart, it helped reel me in for her 3-year Gotcha Day anniversary post.
Click HERE to save this post for later.
Samarah and I are so different, and she was born to a woman I can’t relate to in the slightest.
But there is something about our connection and how much I adore her every move that’s almost biological.
I think about this so much, and I have thought about this so much, during this past year.
In case you aren’t aware, infertility is on the rise, and I meet, talk to, and even know many of the “infertile” women who have walked in my shoes.
I’m not the person to push for any decision. To each is own. If you are unable to conceive a child on your own, then the path to getting a child is miraculous in and of its own.
But sometimes when I hear – or see it written – “adoption isn’t for us; it’s just not” – I can’t help but wonder, “Why?”
There are challenges that come with it. I have stated it before, and will talk about it, openly, forever. But have you ever met a mama (or family in general) that didn’t have challenges?
Some women tell me it’s their husband. “He just doesn’t think we would love the child like our own.”
I can never be Black like Samarah (and no, we aren’t painting my face, sweet darling!) But here’s what I know:
I always wanted to adopt, just not in the way it happened. I’ll even make it very clear that, during IVF, I’d gather I told myself over-and-over, “….because adoption isn’t for us.”
And in the end, after everything – adoption has been the very best thing Ryan and I have ever known. In 2015 I said, “adoption has changed our lives.” I believe that more than ever today, and while I maintain to never push anyone to adoption / foster-adoption, I won’t ever stop talking about how it might be the greatest blessing someone may have ever known.
And to you, Samarah Josephina Hoffman, today:
Mama can never be Black like you. There will never be another oh-so-beautiful Samarah Josephina like you, in all the world. Mama tells you it constantly, “Jesus made you that way.” And I’ll tell you every single day that same skin color or not; same blood or not, you are my little angel forever. You were the birth for an eruption deep in my soul that said “Yes, ah yes. Now I get it. Everything is totally, and magically, beautiful in its time.”
p.s. Wanna know a little secret? I’ve been feeling this strong desire to write and work on that pivotal, life-changing mantra that helped guide (and continues to guide) my life. The title: Ecclesiastes 3:11.
Xox,
SKH
I have 8 ways to celebrate Gotcha Day anniversary with Y’all today.
[Read more…] about 8 Ways to Celebrate Gotcha Day Anniversary
I have the Tummy Mommy sequel to share with you today, and if you’ve followed my blog for at least a year, you’ll remember the original post, “Tummy Mommy.”
It’s completely ironic and totally unplanned that this conversation happened yesterday because the original conversation happened almost exactly a year ago, on May 21, 2017.
The conversation happened on the way to school first thing yesterday morning.
Here and there throughout the past year, Samarah would refer to that Tummy Mommy conversation from almost a year ago, but never in the way like what transpired yesterday.
It all started when Samarah put up 4 fingers in the backseat of the truck and stated, “Mommy, Juni is 4 like me.” Juni is Juniper and it’s one of my best friend’s daughters that she likes to play with whenever we can. She and Juniper are only a couple months apart in age, and I think she enjoys both their similarities and differences.
So I said, “Yes. Yes, you’re right.”
I then started telling Samarah how she was born in the hospital and then just a couple months later Juni was born.
Samarah replied, “Was she in her mommy’s tummy at the doctor?”
“She sure was, Samarah. Meg. You know Meg, mommy’s friend. Remember, that’s Juni’s mommy?”
Samarah sat there for probably 30 seconds. I could see the wheels spinning in her little mind. She was trying to process it all.
And then she said, “…..so was I in your tummy or not?”
I explained the whole Tummy Mommy thing again to her, reminding her that no, no she was never in my belly, but that as soon as she came out of the Tummy Mommy’s belly, I was right there to get her.
“And Samarah, then you got your own mommy just like Juni has Meg; do you know who it is?”
She smiled in the most precious way, pointed her pointer finger at me and said, “You. You are my mommy.”
Conversation done. Or maybe not.
Samarah sat there for a few more seconds and said, “But did Amiya and Isaiah get to be in your tummy?”
“No. Amiya and Isaiah have their own Tummy Mommy, and you have a Tummy Mommy, but no one was in my tummy.”
And she asked, “What is my Tummy Mommy’s name?”
I told her. She paused.
“What is Isaiah and Amiya’s Tummy Mommy’s name?”
Again, I told her. She paused. (Side note: Amiya and Isaiah’s birth mom’s name kind of sort of sounds like Tiana, so when I told her it she got far too excited and said, “What?! Tiana?!” <— c’mon guys, get in the Princess know; that’s Princess Tiana she thought was their Tummy Mommy.)
Samarah asked why they couldn’t be in my tummy, and it was my turn to pause for minute because I wasn’t sure what to say; the words she would understand and just in general.
I responded, “That’s a really great question, Samarah, but I don’t have the answer. Mommy could not have a baby, so God gave me the best gift – a Tummy Mommy to give me you.”
It was both a happy and sad moment and response for me on so many levels, but it soon washed away when Samarah blurted out, “I think it’s because your tummy is too small, Mommy.” I laughed.
And then the grand finale to our conversation happened, just as I was unbuckling her carseat.
Samarah looked me in the eyes and said, “Mommy, can I see my Tummy Mommy someday?”
I responded immediately, “Yes, Samarah, of course you can. I will help you see her when you’re bigger, okay?”
She replied, “Okay, but only if you come with me. I don’t want you to leave, Mommy.”
“Never, Samarah. I’ll be your mama forever, and you’ll always be my little angel…..remember?”
And off to preschool she went.
All the emotions, thoughts, and reflections in such a short car ride.
I had mixed feelings about her wanting to meet her birth mom (especially now that she’s able to verbalize it), but know deep down that my commitment to always being open and honest with our children will never change.
I also realized how much a year changes things, and how much she’s grown and understands even just a short year later.
Sometimes I try to prepare myself for all the questions and moments like our Tummy Mommy conversations, but it’s impossible, and that’s the one area of control that I don’t feel pressure for.
When Samarah wants to talk and has questions, I am fully present to just answer them as they come to me.
My goal is to always have them know about the Tummy Mommy without it ever taking away their securities that Mommy (me) is no different than any other child’s mommy.
Not for a single day has Samarah ever felt like anything but my own.
Xox,
SKH
This week for National Infertility Awareness Week, the campaign is seeking people to flip the script. So today I am doing just that, flipping the script on infertility.
They have defined flipping the script on infertility as such:
#FlipTheScript—RESOLVE wants to change the conversation around infertility so the public, media, insurers, healthcare professionals and lawmakers understand:
- The scope of the problem and who is struggling to build a family. (hint: it’s not just older women who waited too long to start a family)
- There are many barriers for millions of people who struggle to build a family. These barriers include: lack of insurance coverage, out-of-pocket costs, faith and religion, sexual orientation, and state and federal laws.
- The impact of infertility is far reaching—it impacts family, friends, co-workers, and employers.
I wasn’t really interested in any of that. Maybe I should be since I can relate to some of those bullet points, but my heart and soul simply can’t connect to any of it. Not even a little bit.
It all stemmed after I posted this little boomerang + caption on Instagram two weeks ago:
“From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.”
I found this quote from “Infertility Awareness,” and while that also has touched our lives, I would never correlate the quote to the “tragedy”‘of infertility but rather the miracle of motherhood via adoption. I thought of a million things when I ran across that quote but none had to do with infertility. It’s amazing how much things can change in less than 5 years when you just don’t lose hope and faith.
And then yesterday during a Run Studio run, Veezy stated,
Happiness isn’t a feeling. Happiness is a choice.
Plop the tragedy of infertility in there now.
The tragedy of infertility isn’t a feeling. The tragedy of infertility is a choice.
Click HERE to save this post for later.
I know the feelings all too well. (Trust me, just writing these next few paragraphs leaves a pit in my stomach and tear-filled eyes.)
You know, those feelings when you are desperate to see two pink lines, but month-after-month only one line appears.
I know the feelings of waiting and praying, crying and feeling angry.
I also know the feelings of physical infertility pain – the physical pain of going through a cycle of IVF and having it come crashing down in the ER with multiple cysts rupturing, filling the lungs with blood.
And I know the raw feelings that come with emotional pain when every single bone in your body tells you (and I even documented it that day via THIS video), “Sorry. IVF failed. There will be no baby.”
I have many stories from those few years when infertility was what I thought I was destined to be defined by.
Looking back, it is all so clear.
We are not supposed to be defined by infertility.
Instead, we should define how infertility can, will, and does lead us to a place that was bigger and better than our wildest dreams were made of.
Ryan and I could have kept fighting my body. We could have endured more rounds of IVF, and I feel grateful that we had that choice (I realize not everyone does).
But something in me – every last cell in my body – said, “This is not the way for you.” To know me is to know that when I want something enough, I stop at nothing to get it. I am a Type A, over-achieving, at-all-costs female; for better or worse.
And yet I was a quitter when it came to pushing my body through another IVF cycle.
I quit wishing and wanting immediately after my body began physically and emotionally healing (because let me tell you – the combination was brutal).
Listen, here is the part in the blog post that can get hard for people to read and agree with me on. But you must know that I also know those feelings of your infertility advice is not needed.
RESOLVE is talking about the solution to the problem in a way that sort of creates more problems.
How can we get pregnant and have our own child if I’m “too old” to conceive? How can I birth my own baby if I can’t afford it or my sexual orientation is not right?
You might literally stay stuck on those questions and trying to find solutions forever, but your reality might be that a baby – your baby – is waiting for you (or maybe not yet born) already. Conceiving on your own naturally, via IVF or any other method that gives a matched DNA just might not be the way.
Do you want to know a super real, raw, and totally awesome truth that I love saying and remembering to thank God for as often as I can?
I would have paid a million dollars to become pregnant with a child via IVF. I also would have paid a million dollars to go through every single last drop of physical and emotional pain that failed IVF cycle produced because it was the exact amount of time we needed in order to have things match up to get our baby Samarah which then lead to Isaiah, and finally to Amiya.
And guess what the most amazing and beautiful part of that is? There are thousands of little Samarah, Isaiah and Amiya’s out there in the world waiting for you.
Yes, YOU can flip the script on infertility and build a family in the ways you have always dreamed about.
Babies can come to us in so many different ways. Naturally? Great. IVF? Fantastic? Adoption? Yes….still yours and still beautiful.
Don’t ever let your current circumstances make you feel like a victim because the longer you do and the longer it’s a “tragedy,” the longer it’s going to be until you have everything you’ve ever wanted right there with you.
Like this.
Like them.
Everything is beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11
p.s. All of this is why you should never hire me to speak on adoption 🙂
Xox,
SKH
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