I’m getting my dad a chocolate shake for his birthday today.
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Chocolate Shake
Filed Under: 101 Days of Blogging, Inspire, Love, Wellness Tagged With: 101 days of blogging, change, life, love, minnesota
Change Pain Point
Today is the official first day of my 101-day series on change. The kickoff was yesterday, “Beginnings are Scary.” And I promise you that even though this post around the change pain point feels somewhat doom and gloom, that’s not my intention for the series – at all – not even a little bit. But towards the end of 2017 when I knew I wanted to do this series, it all stemmed from the place where these deep changes began taking place.
My intentions are to share how this major change transpired, and that sort of starts from the beginning – last May.
In May, I knew we were moving from California back to Minnesota.
The night before I left California for good, I had dinner with most of my favorite girls in California. Almost immediately upon arriving, I grabbed a drink at the bar (of course – one last Tito’s Vodka + water + a splash of something at my fave place in downtown Tracy), and my friend Stephanie then asked, “Okay, so tell us, what are you most excited for about moving home to Minnesota?”
I sat there for a few seconds to think about it.
So many things flashed through my mind….all the things I was excited about, and the things I was sad to leave behind. But overwhelmingly, one thing surfaced.
I said, “I am most excited for family.” And then, my voice cracked and I began to cry. LORD. Go figure – it was all beginning. My intentions were not to cry that night, but I couldn’t help it.
I continued on, “Honestly, what I am most excited for has now become my pain point.”
Change Pain Point
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Since that day in May when I knew moving back to Minnesota would soon be a reality, the one main thing I kept talking about and coming back to was watching my children play out at my mom and dad’s house. Finally having the opportunity to see my mom overjoyed with their voices and my dad ecstatic to show them his beloved yard – the wide-open space, and his passions.
I pictured it over-and-over again. All the time I felt I had “lost” with my mom and dad would now be recuperated and restored.
Even just a few short days before my dad’s diagnosis I had asked if my mom and dad could look at a rental house for us so my dad could be sure he’d be able to be our “handy-man-fixer-upper.”
Family, both Ryan’s family, and my family were the number one reason for wanting to move back.
I never wanted to raise my children where the love of my mom, dad, and JJ were not.
But that which I was most excited for has now become my pain point.
My dad has seen all three babies since we have been home. He’s tickled Samarah, and laughed at Maya’s attitude. Last week he spent a couple hours watching as Isaiah opened Christmas gifts and played with his “Bing, Bong, Boo” Peppa Pig bus (on repeat for an hour).
But….it’s not the same.
It’s winter and the kids have all been fighting with a strange, little illness (the flu for less than 24 hours and mild colds). And what that means is that I don’t dare bring them out to my parent’s house because my dad cannot get sick. Not then, and especially not today (chemo is starting – for sure).
By now, the kid’s would have seen and played with my dad a ton. He would have gotten out their singing Elmos, and fed them junk food galore. He, my mom, and I probably would have done something basic like the local Legion for a drink or five on New Year’s Eve. Christmas morning would have meant a lot more energy, and several glasses of the traditional frozen Margaritas he, JJ, and my mom have.
I waited 11 years to come home to Minnesota. If you were to ask Ryan or anyone in California who asked me, “Why are you most excited to move back?” They would have all told you the same thing for why I was most excited.
Family. Always family.
Now, and as I’m working through and on embracing change, I’m feeling this excitement through a very deep pain point.
And that’s what I am realizing about change that I had never quite noticed before. Not all change is created equally. Some changes are welcomed with open arms, they are exciting and feel freeing. And some changes mean that the change is simultaneous with a pain point. It’s not welcomed.
Whether it’s welcomed or provides pain, the only thing consistent in life is change.
And we must absolutely learn to breathe through it, stay positive with it, and embrace it.
p.s. I have decided to link up all previous posts at the end of each post so you can follow along in order if you’d like. You will find them below.
Xox,
SKH
If you don’t have time to read these posts daily, but don’t want to miss them, be sure to follow via Bloglovin’ and/or join my personal e-newsletter HERE. I am doing my best to send a once per week email recap of prior week’s posts.
These posts will all live under “Wellness+Lifestyle” and also tagged with “101 Days of Blogging.” The 101-day series runs from Monday, January 8, 2018, through Wednesday, April 18, 2018.
If there is a topic surrounding change that you would love for me to include in this series, please just CONTACT ME.
Previous 101-Day Change Series Posts
I am from Country Roads
I am from Country Roads, a poem I published in 2011 via What I’ll Never Know For Sure April 2011.
The context was vastly different than the context today.
Back then, I wondered why I don’t write poetry anymore. I still sometimes wonder this, but much less frequently because my passion grew with other forms of writing.
Today the only thing I wonder is how did I ever produce these thoughts about country roads some 13-ish years ago without ever knowing where my life would go, and how is it that life comes back full circle?
Today the girls and I are going to Minnesota.
These are the only words I’m leaving with.
I am from Country Roads
I am from country roads,
pigtails and overalls and rugged old sweatshirts,
giggles heard for miles,
dogs prance around quicker than the Indy 500.
I am from country roads,
sugary tang of mom’s tepid cookies plague the atmosphere,
dad’s timber blazes in the basement,
a full-size backyard where I see the sunrise and sun fall.
I am from country roads,
whacking mosquitoes while eating on the patio,
performing rain-dances to the moon,
toilet-papering, cow-tipping, four-wheeling.
I am from country roads,
sound of keys clanking to ignite engines,
earsplitting roars overtake the midnight sky,
gravel seeps into my tires; no concrete pavement.
I am from country roads,
stop sign on a dead-end road,
America’s pride blowing ten feet above ground,
whispering winds converse among trees regarding country roads.
Xox,
SKH
Top 15 Things I Learned While in Minnesota
Today we are returning back home (er, kind of “home”) in California. By the time I hit “publish” on this post, I will be ready to hit the skies and leave what is actually home, Minnesota. During these past two weeks, I have had so many moments where I’ve just hit the pause button and been able to reflect. These are my top 15 things I learned while in Minnesota.
Top 15 Things I Learned While in Minnesota
- Drop anything, no questions asked. We have spent the past 10 years seeking a network like this. And while it surfaces from time-to-time, it’s a mainstay in Minnesota.
- Minnesota accent. I actually like the Minnesota accent, and I pick it up after only approximately 5 minutes of landing.
- The weather. It’s not really that bad. Just kidding. I’m still not sold on the weather in Minnesota. While here this time, we had the most amazing weather, complete with beautiful days, thunder and rain, but nothing was extreme. That said, I have not forgotten about the freezing cold or awful humid days.
- The other state bird. Mosquitoes will never be my friend. They swarmed at my parent’s house, and I really despise them.
- People read, and cheer us on. Google Analytics tell me that my blog continues to grow, but I had no idea just how many people in Minnesota (namely our hometown) read this blog and follow our journey. It made me wonder about the things I share, stories I tell and if it’s still okay that I do so. But in the end, I typically always conclude that yes -> it’s perfectly okay. In fact, if I could only tell you how many people said things like, “Thank you for sharing…..it made me…“
- Inclusion. I noticed something while we were home that I had wondered about. In California, we have nudged here and there trying to find our place. Back in Minnesota, we don’t have to try. Instead, we are included everywhere. The kids (both friends and family, neither of which know Samarah or Isaiah very well) were kind and 100% inclusive of our kids. I watched at every single function to see how interactions played out. Not only were they cordial and inclusive, but loving, so loving.
- Midwest nice. Yeah. It’s a real thing. Did I ever tell you that when Ryan and I went on our first date he tried opening his truck door for me? I didn’t even know that was a thing anymore. But people around here do that sort of thing all the time. They also say “hello” to strangers, and don’t think twice about helping someone, anyone, in need out. You can say that happens everywhere, and on some level it might, but it’s nothing like here.
- Mama Tribe. We took a few hours while home, my best friends and I and got our kid’s together at my friend Meg’s parent’s house. There were so many children and babies there, and what I learned was that some things never change, and they are the Mama Tribe I’ve been wishing for on a consistent basis. In fact, what was bizarre is that we didn’t even have the chance to get a lot of talking in….you know, chasing around the kids, making sure they were fed, happy and dry. And even still, I felt like we belonged in ways I’m not sure I ever had with a Mama Tribe.
- Space. I’ve been talking a lot about space lately, space on several levels. There is plenty of space in Minnesota. The roads are less crowded, homes are not built on top of each other in the same way as California and everything is just a little bit slower paced. I have been craving this space.
- The Midwest is smart. I realize that the political season brings out the worst in most, but I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when I hear people say, “Well XYZ will win for sure because of all the misinformed and unintelligent people in the Midwest.” This could not be any further from the truth. People in the Midwest are smart, and the intelligence factor from San Francisco to Minneapolis is not all that different.
- You’ll always need your mama. I spent a lot of time with my mom while at home. Yesterday, on our last day in Minnesota, she and I went shopping at Urban Finds in Medford. A short-lived shopping trip, but it left me with the undeniable feeling that I am my Mama. And also, I will always need my mama. She sure does love our babies, she thinks Isaiah is just a hoot and carries on a conversation with Samarah like old friends. p.s. If you’re from Minnesota, but don’t’ live there, next time you’re home, stop into Urban Finds and grab you this shirt. I did. Love.
- You will miss your home. “If you go anywhere, even paradise, you will miss your home.” I posted THIS on Instagram recently, and I can’t even tell you how real that is. In so many ways, California has been my paradise. But I have missed the real home.
- The real home. On January 13, 2015, I wrote Feels Like Home. I re-read this post a few times. I wanted to understand whether or not I truly believe that. I concluded that I don’t. I concluded that that lump in my throat has never truly left the building. There is a difference between regret and a deep down, gut-wrenching feeling. I have never, and I will never, regret our time in California. But it only felt like home because I had Ryan, then Samarah and now Isaiah with me. My whole world under one roof. And had Ryan and I never ventured out West, we would have never arrived at a place where it felt like home. But at the end of that post, I stated, “California is not Minnesota. It never has been; it never will be.” This is because Minnesota is the real home.
- A year is too long. Before this past trip, I had not been home in a year. We likely won’t be able to go this next Christmas either, and so it could be another year before I’m home again. The hardest part about a year for me is that it means I won’t see my dad for another year. If you know him, you get it, but making it out to California has not been a reality since Samarah was born. It kills me a little inside. But….
- We will be back for good. While California is amazing (so many more pros than cons for living there), the cons have now outweighed the pros. The calling to return home gets stronger by the day. I don’t know when or where or how, but staying in California forever is not an option.
There is no place like home.
Really, there is no place like the homeskillet Minnesota.
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Xox,
SKH
Butterflies in My Stomach
I have butterflies in my stomach.
Ryan and I met with a lawyer for A Loving Spoon nut butters while we were back home in February.
Their offices are about an hour away from our hometown, so we detoured and dropped Samarah off at my cousin’s house in a town called Shakopee, went to the meeting, had lunch at Whole Foods, headed back to get Sam and then made the reverse trek home.
On the way back to our hometown, I sat in the back with Sam. She slept, and I toggled between staring at her and looking out the window.
The fields were covered with snow, trees frosty white and roads calm as can be. We passed through a couple of towns that I have had my eyes on for when the day comes that we get to move home.
Typically, we would cross over those towns and I would not think twice about them nor would I feel anything (except maybe disgust towards the cold, bitter, never-ending winter).
But that day? That day I had butterflies in my stomach. I was giddy. I wanted to move back stat.
There was a time when California, big California-lovin’ dreams and fast lanes were the places butterflies grew in my stomach. I loved those days, and I still sometimes feel those butterflies when I gaze at the Palm Trees, adore the mountains and let the sun warm me.
And so, that day, driving on the backroads in southern Minnesota with nothing but my heart, thoughts and the freezing cold on my mind, it struck me like never before that I could feel those very same butterflies in my stomach.
There is something so beautiful in peace and quite. It’s something I cannot explain to those who have never travelled these solitary roads and those who have made hustle ‘n bustle a normal.
There is something about back home (good ‘ole Minnesota), back roads and the “Friday night fish fry” at the local American Legion that has me craving a little less, a little more often.
A new season has taken over in my life.
This I know for sure.
Xox,
SKH
Just Relax
There are 2 simple words you should remember daily: Just relax.
I sat belly up at The American Legion one night while in Minnesota with my uncle and Godfather, Jack. Jack loves to have a good time. He loves music, a good brew, and fishing. He is kind and like my father (his brother), one hell of a good-hearted man.
Jack doesn’t go a day without reminding someone to, “just relax.” It was catchy. Likely just what I needed to be reminded of, over and over again that night.
Jack will be so proud to know that I did just that, nearly the entire 2 weeks while in Minnesota.
I relaxed. I enjoyed. And that’s what my weekly release is all about this week (and by the way, I didn’t do these while in Minnesota because I didn’t have my beloved photo programs – and I’m kind of particular about images on here now).
Just Relax
Nieces
- Abby loves her some Fiona
- I love me some sweet Abby and Carlie
Ryan was in Minnesota, but only for a quick minute.
I still worked out
- These are some of the workouts I did
- On the way into Horsepower Strength & Conditioning, there is a great reminder on the door: Motivated People Only -> If you’re looking for results and you live in Minnesota, Horsepower is a huge recommendation!
- I did abs with a flimsy, old Frisbee. I make it work. No excuses. Period.
And still ate. A lot. Per the usual.
- Coconut Manna. Ever had it?
- How about PB2?
- You will probably be shocked to learn that this was the very first time I’ve ever had chia seeds. I put them in my Turkey Meatloaf Muffins
- Weeds -> my aunt Loan has a ton fresh from her garden. And no, they aren’t really weeds. They are greens….in massive varieties
- Ice cream. I told you I’m just a normal but intolerant girl who loves dessert:)
I also made a new recipe, which will come to my blog in the coming weeks. I did it for my ma….she loves me so much!
Here is a sneak peek. A Miso soup.
Fell in Love
- Kim. Emma. Sophie. Just enough said.
- The picture of Sophie looking in the mirror is my favorite. I told her, “Sophie: You are beautiful. Look in the mirror.” She looked in the mirror, and she repeated: “I am beautiful.” It’s a priceless lesson we must teach little girls. And by the way, she sings “you don’t know you’re beautiful” better than anyone – I have the video to prove it. So. Stinkin’. Cute.
Finally, many of my other favorite moments were not captured in pictures. My mom and dad don’t do many pictures. My mother and father-in-law don’t really either. Neither does my brother JJ, or any of my uncles and cousins for that matter. Being home in the homeskillet, Minnesota was truly relaxing and special. It always is.
I love California for so many reasons. But man….oh man….oh man….I DO miss my family. If you live across the country from your own, tight-knit family, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If not, count your blessings.
Thank you, Minnesota.
Thank you, Jack.
I loved remembering to simply just relax.
Xox,
SKH
