One Pink Line. Two broken hearts.

I had to wait several hours to write this because it’s so hard to swallow.

We did everything right this month so it’s hard for me not to analyze every move I did or didn’t take.

I didn’t drink. I didn’t workout. I had either no caffeine each day or very little. I relaxed as often as possible – heck, I even got a lavish 90-minute massage at my favorite place one night. I took every single pill. I injected every single shot at exactly the right time. Minute-by-minute, I did everything I was supposed to.

I played by all the rules they say I need to play by. But I learned that playing by the rules doesn’t always mean winning the game.

One Pink Line

January was an emotionally and physically draining month for me.

Emotionally, because I truly hate putting all the garbage into my body – the body that I have worked so damn hard to be as healthy as possible. Emotionally, because putting garbage in means getting garbage out. Drugs are just like food. And with the garbage in meant that out came irritability, up-and-downs, highs-and-lows. Emotionally, because it was an expensive month which yielded no results – again; the roller coaster that is financially challenging as well.

Emotionally, because one pink line equals a heavy heart.

Physically, because I was tired 24/7, but still went about my normal life – working just as much and attempting all daily activities minus the workouts – even if only to help keep me sane. Physically, because that lead to a downward spiral to me getting sick – yes, again. Physically, because I didn’t work out; part of my life I love and live for, daily. Physically, because my body did changes acting like I was pregnant.

Physically, because one pink line equals that same heavy heart.

To say I am (or rather we are) beyond hurt is an understatement. I watch around me as people get pregnant in the blink of an eye. Babies are coming to my friends and relatives as easily as Fiona wags her tail when I say, “Wanna go for a walk?” It hurts – bad – that we pay money and more money, do everything right when really there is nothing wrong and still, month after month we come up short.

Regardless of the outcome, life has to go on. Every month this happens, I bury myself for a good 30-45 minutes to think of every positive thing I quite possibly can. I write down at least 5 things I have to look forward to in the (very) near future. It always gets me through.

Today I wrote 8 (mostly for my own sanity):

1. First and foremost, this does not change the fact that I have the most amazing husband in the whole world who would give anything to help make this easier for me. I know there are millions of women out there with babies, but no one to walk with them and that baby. I am forever thankful that I will never walk alone….babies or no babies.
2. My mom is coming to visit on Tuesday for a whole week.
3. February is my birthday month.
4. I can go to the gym tomorrow (post sulking) and get a great workout in.
5. From Proverbs 31 Ministries, I am reminded -> From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. John 1:16*
6. Fiona and Reagan fill my heart daily. They are my babies, at least for now.
7. I can have a cup of coffee – real coffee. And I can go into the city this weekend with Ryan and enjoy a beverage – a real, adult beverage.
8. My website is likely to be getting a facelift. And by facelift, I mean a calmer, happier, more “me” look and feel.

If you’re sitting where I am right now, and I know there are so many of you who are, I encourage you to try the same. It will really help. At least for now.

Finally, deep in my heart here is one thing I know for sure today (and to the person who sent me a text today – you know who you are – by the time you sent me that text, I had already written this last part – I know you are right because I was thinking it, too):

Everything is beautiful in its time. Those little specs we saw on the ultrasounds were beautiful. But they were not ours to keep. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that the day will come when the specs will turn to Beautiful Baby Hoffman. And when that day comes, I will look back on all of this and think, “Thank God for this one. I wouldn’t trade him/her for anything in the whole world.”

But just for tonight, I’m letting my heavy heart be vulnerable to one pink line.

Xox,
SKH