Last year at this time, I prayed for a beautiful chaos that naturally comes with a baby.
For a few years, we waited and waited and waited for a little one to fill our house with
We dreamed of these baby giggles and of giving all our love to a little one who would change us forever.
Our dreams are coming true. We certainly have all of the above and so much more.
Because of all that, I am finding myself filled with “mommy guilt” several times a day, on most days.
Since I prayed for her for so long….
- Shouldn’t I want to spend every single waking moment with her?
- Shouldn’t I embrace the fussiness and crying?
- Shouldn’t I, too, party when she wants to party at all hours of the day and night?
- Shouldn’t I gladly tirelessly work in hopes of creating the best life for her?
- Shouldn’t I smile when I want to cry?
- Shouldn’t I have her room completely set up, arranged and sweet-as-can be?
The truth is that I am constantly feeling the mommy guilt, and I never know if it’s normal or if it’s a made-up “normal” for me because I prayed for her for so long. I suddenly feel like who I am is a direct reflection on how I am able to answer those bulleted questions from above.
One of my best friends told me this is perfectly normal, and that when her little one was a baby she felt all these same emotions. She let me know that yes, in fact, even when you carry them for 9 months, you still feel all of these things during different times and some of them on most days.
Who I am today is the same person I was a year ago when I was praying for this child.
The only difference is that now she is here. Now I am responsible for another life. Now I don’t get to be so planned, nor do I get to choose the perfect time of day for silence. Nothing will ever be perfect, not even a little bit.
Letting go of the mommy guilt is my main prerogative.
Fact is: this is a beautiful chaos.
And like the irony of the two words put together, I must embrace the fact that I don’t have to like “a beautiful chaos” 24/7, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Love your guts,
She genuinely cares for her little patient
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You will heal. I will help.