I have been trying to fit a circle into a square peg for a very long time, but now I am just too tired to workout.

Little-by-little in my life, I am starting to relinquish control. It might take the rest of my life for me to tell these stories, but also, little-by-little, I promise I will.

{It has never been my intention to come to this space and act as though I am drowning in sadness. I am not. But I also can’t pretend that part of my healing, part of any healing, can and will always involve a frown turned upside down. I am writing this for all the spoonies out there so that you know you are not alone. Pain feels isolating, but it doesn’t have to.}

If you have followed my blog for a long time, you will recall me saying, several times, how I believe that my deep love for vegetables and all the “healthy” foods was sort of wasted on me, since for a very long time I could not process them. I didn’t want to solely survive on meat, broth, and fats, but from time-to-time, that’s all my body is able to take.

Over time, I grew to accept and work with it. Today, it’s all very normal and second nature for me.

I never knew that one day I would have to develop a similar relationship with working out.

I Love Being Active

Love, love, love being active, and know what the runners’ high feels like. Lifting weights makes me feel empowered. Pushing my body to its limits leaves me feeling alive.

But I have failed to admit to myself for a couple years now that almost every single type of workout leaves me absolutely drained.

I have finally hit that place in my life where I am truly saddened by the lack of what I am able to do physically. Up until recently, I didn’t get it, until one day when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

….but I Am Drained

Last week, I took an early morning walk with Amiya. While out, I ran into two women I know in our community. They were running. Each was pushing her own stroller with children while running hard. As we passed each other, I said, “You exhaust me.” One of them responded, “I exhaust myself.”

I kept walking, and all I could think was about how I wished that was me, running and running and running, and feeling only that type of exhaustion.

Too Tired to Workout

I am currently battling with this – big time. This is not something I can ever describe to 99% of my friends, family members or acquaintances.

When I workout in the morning (even if it’s just a 20 minute harder workout), I am drained all day unless I am able to nap for 1-2 hours (which obviously is not doable anymore).

And if I wait to workout until night time, I have used up most of my spoons for the day, so I don’t have any energy left.

This past weekend, I stayed in a hotel with friends for one night to attend a conference (more on this tomorrow). As I was packing for the night early on Friday, I texted my friend, “Don’t judge. I am bringing my workout clothes so I can workout early tomorrow morning before the conference.”

So I did. I brought the workout gear and got in a hard 15-ish minute workout.

On our drive home around 3pm, I felt like a dead weight. Almost instantly I fell asleep until arriving home about an hour later.

You see, I worked out that morning because I knew I only had to take care of myself that day. No babies would need me, and I was craving a workout. The irony? Several hours later, I couldn’t even take care of myself I was so tired.

I never, ever, ever, ever wanted to find myself here. Ever.

I absolutely hate that working out and being active was, just like the “healthy” food, wasted on me.

I see people doing their hard workouts, hitting new PR’s, registering for races and doing all the things I used to do and, in fact, crave doing daily, and I want to cry.

But each day, I am beginning to battle it less and less…

I stick to just 10-15 minute workouts, at my house, in our garage with the gym Ryan and I started building.

Also, I stop reading blogs that are predominately focused on fitness. And I formulate my own opinions about workouts, intensity levels, and the appropriate balance instead of listening to what anyone else thinks about it.

I focus on other things that bring me joy, and steer clear of attempting to research any new races or fitness competitions.

And finally, I look the other way.

Because this has not been easy for me.

Last week I made an appointment with a hormone specialist. I pray we get to the bottom of it because I’d really love to feel alive, vibrant and excited about fitness again.

But for today, I am just too tired to workout.

Want more? Read what I wrote about this in 2019: What I Really Think About Workouts and Gut Healing.

Xox,
SKH